I hate October. It’s full of creeps dressing up trying to scare people. Haunted houses are the worst things ever created; jump out at me and I’m slapping the s–t out you, plain and simple. Just a while ago, I was walking around campus getting my 10,000 steps in, ’cause I do this, but that’s besides the point, when some freaks dressed as clowns, nuns from “The Purge” and that creepy kid from “It” tried to scare me, but I don’t jump now, I make money moves, word to my girl, Cardi B.
People may get scared watching horror movies or Fox News, but what’s scary to me is those moments in sports when you can see the murder coming from a mile away, but the victim just doesn’t know his inevitable death, or posterization, is about to go down.
Score a fourth-quarter touchdown to take the lead with minutes, or even seconds left on the clock, all good, right? Oh, you poor baby. You forgot you’re playing against Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers and are about to be carved up and your heart ripped out of your chest like Jim Carrey does to homeboy in “Dumb and Dumber.” The last thing you want to face as a defense on the football field with any time left on the clock is a technician with pinpoint accuracy and ice water running through his veins, like Brady and Rodgers. Cowboys fans saw this firsthand when Rodgers ripped them earlier this season to win a game in the last few minutes, but Cowboy fans love horror anyway, as you can tell from their adoration for Freddy Krueger, I mean Jerry Jones.
We constantly see burials on the basketball court. Only man back on defense against a LeBron James or Russell Westbrook fast break? RIP in peace. Those dudes run at the rim with reckless abandon and will not hesitate to put you through the rim and six feet under. I think LeBron’s love for dunking people to death comes from losing his hair, that’s why he dunks on dudes’ heads. Get slammed on by Russ? It’s OK, he may dress funky half the time but the brodie is an aggressive dancer, which directly translates to killer on the court.
I know people freakin’ out over “It,” but you wanna get truly clowned? Be the last line of defense on the soccer field with Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo coming at you full speed ahead. At only 5 feet 7 inches, the unassuming Messi will lull you to sleep with his hypnotizing ball skills and strike when you least expect it, causing nightmares for goalies around the globe. Now if Ronaldo is the one running at you, don’t be distracted by his beauty. Yes, he’s gorgeous, bronze and probably uses the same gel Cameron Diaz used in ‘There’s Something About Mary,” but don’t let that fool you. The man will send a rocket right by your head and leave you wondering, “What in the hell was that and why is he so damn handsome?”
When it comes to the Octagon, stepping inside is scary enough. Now, add Nick or Nate Diaz standing on the other side of the cage throwing double birds your way and you better be scurred. How you gonna fight a dude giving you the finger in the middle of the fight, calling you every curse word imaginable while laughing and throwing Stockton Slaps your way? Nick Diaz literally laid down and rested his head on his hand during a fight against arguably the greatest mixed martial artist to ever live, Anderson Silva. Straight psycho stuff. I want no part of that, and if you do, you just as bananas as the Diaz brothers.
Those are some of the scariest scenarios one can encounter on the field, court or in the Octagon, and if you do, may the good Lord be with you. Happy Halloween. I hope it’s horrible.
