To a lot of people, disappointing dates are a fear or at least an annoyance, something to be avoided at all costs. They will minimize their dating risks. These people will always play it safe, date people they think will be 100% sure bets and never feel comfortable leaving that comfort zone.
Others might become skeptical of dating altogether.
While I am no stranger to the wacky, wild world of college dating, I hate to be the one to tell you, but this is the wrong approach to romance.
I want to be clear in stating that for some people, maybe romance is not for them at the moment. If they have strong connections to friends or family and feel that they do not need romance in their lives right now, more power to them. If someone feels so overwhelmed by school or work or family issues and is reading this and thinking,
“Great! Now I have to worry about dating!” they do not need to care one bit about dating at this moment. This column is purely for those of the single-and-considering-mingling variety.
For some, dating is a waste of time. They say that they go on dates and they feel nothing, which is an annoyance to them. These people spent all that time, and in some cases money, for nada in return. I believe this is the wrong perspective to have. It is best to look at bad dates as learning experiences.
They have taught me what I look for in a partner and, maybe more importantly, what I definitely do not want in a partner. I found out that a person chewing a single piece of gum for three hours is not a turn-on.
There are some things you can only learn from experience, and what you need in a partner is one of them.
Some people get lucky and find their best partner early in life, but for most of us, this will only come through trial-and-error. For example, I always thought I wanted somebody really sweet, but after casual dating for a while, I have found that my personality works
better with somebody who has a bit of a snark.
Of course, this does not mean we should all go on dates for psychological self-discovery; dating should not be a grueling process in which we suffer until we find someone perfect for us. Above all else you should go on dates because dating is fun. It is a chance to meet somebody you find attractive and interesting to get to know them better. A few hours to do something fun with a person you, hopefully, like and, hopefully, likes you.
All dates have an element of risk and the sooner you accept this, the better your experience will be. This is not to say that you need to take every dating opportunity for the sake of the experience, but it is a call to maybe expand your horizons and think about what you are looking for in a date. Are you disappointed because the dates are bad or are you disappointed that the dates were not perfect in the way you imagined?
This is not a call to lower your bar, or to accept mediocre partners, but it is a gentle reminder that not every conversation will have instant chemistry. Not every person will meet your standards of beauty and even if you end the date and decide that the person is not for you, maybe they could still be a friend. Maybe they have potential for somebody else in your life.
Maybe that experience had
something worthwhile within it and even if that does not happen, at least you know what to avoid in your next partner.
Remember that above all else, dating is for yourself. That is not to say that you should be dismissive or detached from your dates, but it does mean that you should keep in mind that dating is enjoyable and if you find that it stops causing even just a bit of excitement, you can take a break.
We speak a lot about work burnout or toxic relationships with family, friends and romantic partners, but we often forget that dating is also stressful. It is both time consuming and requires emotional labor. Dating burnout is a real issue.
After a string of bad dates earlier this year, I took a break from the dating scene. When I came back, I felt refreshed and ready to meet new people.
We should try to have new experiences in college. Some people will join clubs or organizations, others will join sports leagues and a few will jump into exciting internships and career opportunities. At the end of the day, all of these are to try and get to know more about what we want out of our adult life. For a lot of people, when dating enters that picture, if it does at all, it is because they are trying to find the perfect partner. That is a fair goal, but dating can also just be spending a few hours walking a park with somebody you think is pretty nice, but might not be for you.
That experience should not be disregarded as bad because it was not perfect. No partner you meet is going to be perfect. You are not perfect, so why would every date you go on be perfect?
It is fine to be a little flawed, to be a little awkward, to have uncomfortable silences and bad questions and dumb answers. Just enjoy yourself and remember, every great relationship starts with a date. Maybe this one will, maybe it will not, either way,
