Arisbeth L. Rodriguez | THE RIDER
As someone who has spent most of the pandemic indoors, it gets difficult feeling like you’re not doing anything productive while the world around you seems closed off.
From the beginning of the stay-at-home orders to now, I haven’t felt as normal as I used to. I began to sleep late and I would try to keep busy with whatever needed to be done so I could keep my mind occupied to hold any anxiety I had about the current situation at bay. As a result, I often feel like I am going throughout the days in a sort of dissociative dream. Days come and go, and I only remember the date it is because of constant reminders on my phone about things that are going on, or through the Blackboard app, which will remind me about assignments that will be due soon.
I realized many people feel like that as well, like they should be doing more since they have the time now. “Use this time to find a hobby,” or some other variant of that sentiment is used to motivate people to pursue new interests, but it doesn’t make me feel anything other than like I’m wasting time if I am not learning something new. I’ve even tried new hobbies to make myself feel like I’m accomplishing more. I’ve been learning to skate, cook and drive whenever I get the chance, even though I know it’s only a momentary relief for me.
I’m grateful, of course, that I have more time at home with my family and to do more fun things, but it still feels like I’m stalling or holding back from doing more, even though I know I am doing all I can at the moment with work and classes.
Due to all of these feelings, I have become more caught up in bad habits of mine, such as wanting to bite my nails, staying up even later and doing any work I have in bed, which further destroys my nonexistent sleep schedule and makes me feel worse. I combat this with frequent breaks and reminders from people close to me that it is OK to just exist. These same people help me prevent my bad habits in any way they can, like helping me paint my nails and setting alarms to remember to go to bed.
“Take it one day at a time,” I convince myself, because that’s all I can really do now. I try to feel proud of anything I do, regardless of how small the accomplishment is so that I don’t feel overwhelmed by any feelings I have.
This pandemic has had negative effects on my mental health and state of being, but I still do my best to work past this because I know it will pass eventually. I talk about these feelings with people I trust and I try to make the situation better for myself slowly, but surely. I am proud of myself for any progress I have made under these circumstances, and you should be proud of yourself too.
