I feel like I’m Atlas with the world on his back and it’s difficult to shrug my shoulders.
You know what? Sometimes, it feels that I’m hanging on by a single thread. No, wait, scratch that, it’s as if I’m hanging by my hoodie’s drawstrings and it’s damn near impossible staying proud under rain clouds that reign over me like a tyrant. Other times, it seems like life is an XXXXL T-shirt— I don’t fit in it too well. Hmm.
That’s probably why I started calling myself a prince because I feel as I’m in this shuffle of a deck of cards where there are double-faced kings and queens, and a whole lot of jokers who look to jack.
But I’ll be a fool if I fold like laundry and be left hanging in the closet with or without a crew.
The other day I asked myself, “What would happen if I would pass today?”
I think it’s because I attended a funeral for my grandfather that I used to be a caregiver for just five days after my birthday. I used to care for him since he had Alzheimer’s and it got to the point he couldn’t remember who I was or that his wife died back in December 2012. No tears were dropped by me during the rosary or the burial. It wasn’t until afterward when I came back home and let myself break down a bit.
Back in the day, I remember being filled with anger like a single mother that I had to go out of my way to become a caregiver. It seemed that everyone was out there living life. My peers went out of town for college, traveled and other family members didn’t have to carry the weight of taking care of an ailing family member. It was just me and Mom, and it legit felt that we were pushed to a corner like a drug slinger who is on his first day on the job.
Hell, back then and even now, I’d get pissed when I used to see my peers with their dads because they would complain about them and I didn’t understand. I’m over here thinking:
“Least you have one who teaches you how to be a man.”
And when these types of blues call you on their saxophones, it’s easy to just get soaked and lost in the song.
However, although it seems all the odds were stacked against me like books on a shelf, and I was sitting on the sideline trying to get some play, I did what I do best.
Even though I was sitting out of bounds, man, I bounced back like a trampoline.
Life seemed to be poorer than rainfall during a hurricane season. It just seemed like I wasn’t going anywhere. I was just hanging around like the laces of untied Jordans that I work toward.
I grew up broke, so it honestly makes no difference if I die the same way. I met a lot of folk who all they see is green—it’s as if they had nothing but jade in their eyes. Others can be selfish, it’s as if they are staring in a mirror—all they see is themselves. I’m terrified of that happening to me.
To be honest, I have two fears in life. One is becoming rich and not being the same person as I am right now, and the other is disappointing my friends, family and those who genuinely feel that I’m going to “make it.” That’s the main reason why I put my heart out for everyone and run until my soul and soles hurt. If you ever put me on a race track with me and my loved ones, I promise I wouldn’t finish first because I always put them in front of me.
Some folk recently told me that I’m spreading myself thin and where do I even get the drive to do what I do, such as balancing multiple jobs, classes and life back at home.
Well, I just want everyone to be proud of me, just like a father who carries his son for the first time in his arms or like my mother when I tell her about my day at The Rider or The Monitor. Ha!
I’ve been trying hard to be someone that people look up to, sort of this role model. Yeah, that’s it. I want to be someone that people strive to be, such as an inspiration. I’ve had friends and family who’ve hit greater depressions than the 1930s and when they tell me I’m the brightest thing in their life—I just want to cry.
Can you believe that? To think that I’m their light in a dark time. I just don’t want people to ever feel down just like how I used to feel. So, if you ever meet me, best believe I’m going to do my best to push and coach you for the better.
I’m still figuring out life but we can get through it together.
It’s not that I’m saying that I’m this gift from God, or this saint, even though I’m named after one. Hell no, you want to know what’s under the hoodie that I wear? It’s just the broke brown kid from right down the street of the university who’s trying to be a writer. That’s my dream, you know? To be a writer.
One day, I’m going to tell my pen to give me my letters while I can still read them and write a book.
That’ll be a moment to remember. When someone buys my novel and then hits me up on the phone and says something along the lines of:
“P.J., you wrote this? Good s–t, your work really got me through some tough times!”
With that being said, I just want to thank everyone whoever believed in me and think that I could be the hero that I want to be. I won’t disappoint you all.
However, time is running short and I have to end this soon.
But one more thing.
There’s this crown that’s around the corner and only one seat in the castle.
And you know who they belong to?
Me, and I’m going to take the throne.
