The negative that made me positive

My whole life, I saw no point in dealing with you. I thought you were a waste of time.

I never really understood why some people spend moments of their limited time on this Earth with you.  I spent most of my time ignoring you to the point where you did not even exist to me anymore. You were just something dead to me, that others would use as help to better their lives.

I never saw how that was possible though, how could you, just a mere concept, give someone the power to change their life. I could not stand you, so I decided to live my own life without you.

My life without you was, great, at least I thought it was back then. My way of living without you was just never putting in my full effort and having an “it was not meant to be” attitude. That way, I would never be disappointed and “enjoy” life with no worries. I thought I had won in life, but little did I know, I was just damaging myself without you.

Whenever I look into my past, it is mostly filled with regrets. Honestly, the person I could have been and the life I could have had haunted me for a long time. Not having you in my life always made me settle for the minimum and left me never feeling fulfilled during my best moments.

Whenever I go to my old high school gym, I think about how good I could have played in the basketball games. Whenever I listen to old songs, I think about how I never went all out when dancing to them. Whenever I see the girl who was my high school crush, and others from high school I never talked to, I think about how much I missed out on getting to know them and not getting that full high school experience.

I suffered with those thoughts just because I did not want to accept you in my life back then. However, that was foolish of me because you are a part of life. To deny you is not to live at all. In fact, it was you that gave me life, you made me see, hear, feel and be free.

To be honest, I really did not like how you came into my life, but you know when and where to hit us. For the first time in my life, I had finally tried to give it my all with something I thought I wanted to be. I wanted to be that person who was a full-time student, part-time employee and in a relationship. I saw that all around me, so I just desired to be like that. It was then when I realized how much you could have helped me out.

Out of nowhere, I started struggling in my classes, I was failing a few, at first, but I managed to pass them. Unfortunately, I ended up passing a class with a C, which is like getting the plague, you know, if you’re planning on applying for the nursing program like me. Then, I had trouble finding a job. I applied everywhere I could. I even applied at McDonald’s first because I was positive I would get hired there. Y’all, I did not even get that rejection email. I felt bad, like I was not even worthy enough to flip burgers. I swear, in that exact moment, I was like “Paparapapa! I’m not lovin’ it.”

My relationship at the time had ended as well. This was the worst time of my life and I hated it. Looking at it now, those were just the preparations for us to finally meet. I will never forget the way I met you. I was at my weakest and most dysfunctional self. Although, you thought otherwise, you took me in as if I was perfect and ready to go. Our time together made me understand a lot of things about myself and life as well.

I do not know how to say this, but meeting you filled this void in me. I always wanted a mentor, someone I could actually learn from and help me improve. All this time it was you who I wanted. Anyone reading this, facing failure will be one of the hardest moments in your life, especially because when you meet failure, it’s only the two of you.

Failure can be intimidating and it might take you a while to accept it. No matter what, failure can teach us the lessons we need in our lives to actually be able to live.