At 12 I used to feel like I was indestructible and that I was running with the world by my side. Now I feel fragile and like I can’t keep up.
Is this what adulthood is like? Because I think I may have gone backward. I think I may have time-traveled back to the age of 5 when I had a heart of glass or when I couldn’t open a jar of jelly. Back to when I would ask my mom for help on my math homework because I was still learning everything.
I am still learning everything. I’m realizing you can still learn things at 20 the same way you learn things at 5. And that even at 20, you can get the same feeling when you’re 5 and you’re scared and want someone to hold your hand.
I was always proud when people told me I was mature for my age. I knew how to help take care of my brothers and my grades and myself. But I just turned 20 in July and I guess it’s hit me like a ton of bricks.
Isn’t it weird that you can make all these decisions about your future but you’ll still go through the earthquake of ‘What am I doing with my life?’ like a second wave of puberty?
Maybe, these feelings are a little silly. I mean, I’ve seen girls on social media posting their age on big balloons on their birthdays and I wonder if they feel the same way that I do. People say that you make a lot of fun and special mistakes in your 20s because your 20s are all about experimenting, but I haven’t heard anyone say what I’m thinking out loud.
So here it is: I am scared. And to anyone who is reading this, whatever age you are, it’s OK to be scared if you are, too. Uncertainty is scary.
But maybe I’ve been looking at this wrong because I have to admit, under my fear, I still have excitement. I mean, it’s a new era for me, right? I’m 20! It’s like I’ve got this blank slate, an open canvas that is my life. I’m learning all these new things and it’s me against the world, you know? I’m free to make my own decisions and I get to completely reinvent myself. We’re allowed to change our values and ourselves if we want. We’re allowed to grow.
At this point, the only one who can stop me from doing anything I want to do is myself. Isn’t that cool? Maybe the cracks of my glass heart are just based on insecurities because in reality, I’m still indestructible.
The truth is I’m really lucky and blessed to be where I’m at in my first year of being 20. I think if 12-year-old me could see me now, she’d think I’m cool and in my opinion, that’s a flex.
Although sometimes I can still feel the ground tumbling beneath me, I’ll continue working on my step, and my placement. As for the big waves crashing over me, I’m hoping the tide will take me where I’m meant to be. Goodbye, my teens. Hello, metamorphosis. It’s officially a new era.
